Faulty Tales Read online

Fawlty Tales

  Episode created by Ralph Lante

  Copyright 2013 Ralph Lante

  ISBN 9781311808356

  Email: ralph at lmtraining.com.au

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.

  This ebook is provided for entertainment purposes only. Purchase of this book does not include the right of stage production for any of these works. Contact the author to arrange for production rights.

  Table of Contents

  Anniversary Surprise

  Fawlty Tales

  Important Notes

  Faulty Tales is a script designed for a theatre/restaurant scenario. During the evening, guests enjoy a three course meal. Live theatre action takes place at the start of the evening, in between courses and at the end of the evening. Action starts once guests are seated.

  Faulty Tales is a recreation of the comedy style of John Cleese and Connie Booth in their British Comedy series Fawlty Towers. Fawlty Towers is an original creative work by John Cleese and Connie Booth.

  Faulty Tales is not endorsed, approved by, or associated with John Cleese, Connie Booth or its owners, assignees, licensees or distributors.

  Anniversary Surprise

  The Stage

  The stage is basically bare. There is a high desk, like a lectern, to one side where Basil stands to do his bookwork. On the desk are accounting books and a glass of water on a tray. A large partition separates an area at the back of the stage. An area behind the stage is hidden from the audience.

  Special Guests

  None

  Act 1 The Menus

  Basil

  Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It gives me great pleasure to welcome you to our fine establishment and we hope you all enjoy yourselves. I would like to introduce you to my wife, Sybil. She and I will be your hosts tonight.

  Sybil

  Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

  Sybil bows and leaves the room. Basil goes to his desk and starts working, his head down. Manuel arrives from the back of the room looking a little anxious.

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil

  Oh, what is it now, Manuel?

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, you forget something.

  Basil

  What have I forgotten?

  Manuel

  You forget me.

  Basil

  Well, I do try... What are you talking about?

  Manuel

  You tell people about Sybil, but you forget me.

  Basil

  Oh, you mean the introductions.

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  The introductions. You wanted me, to include you in the introductions!

  Manuel

  What is intro duck eons?

  Basil

  Please, let’s not start so early in the evening. You say I forgot you… Yes?

  Manuel

  Si, you not say about me.

  Basil

  Excuse me… Ladies and gentlemen, this is Manuel… Happy!

  Manuel takes a bow.

  Basil

  Now go away!

  Manuel looks around, a little confused.

  Manuel

  What I do?

  Basil

  Pardon!

  Manuel

  What you want me do?

  Basil

  Oh, I don’t know… Why don’t you put the money in the safe.

  Manuel

  Que

  Basil

  The safe! My God, have you forgotten already. The metal box where I locked up your run-away rat last week!

  Manuel

  Oh, si, si… Hamster box. Now I understand.

  Manuel walks off. As he leaves, he reaches for his back pocket and starts taking money out of his wallet. Basil is tapping his fingers, watching this.

  Basil

  Manuel, what are you doing?

  Manuel

  I put money away… like you tell me!

  Basil

  Not your money. My Money!

  Manuel

  Why you not say?

  Basil shakes his head and gets on with his paperwork. Manuel walks behind Basil and pulls Basil’s wallet out of his back pocket.

  Basil

  (Angry) What on earth are you doing?

  Manuel

  You tell me too...

  Basil

  (Interrupting) Oh for crying out loud, not that money. This money! (Basil holds up a small cash bag.) Shop money!

  Manuel

  Si, Si, I put in hamster box.

  Basil

  It’s called a safe!

  Basil returns to his bookwork. Manuel leaves, but then returns a few moments later at the other end of the stage. He calls out.

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, what is… Err, how you say… number to open box?

  Basil

  You mean the combination! Right twenty three, left thirty…

  Basil glances at the audience.

  Basil

  I’ll write it down.

  Basil writes down the combination and gives it to Manuel. Manuel walks off.

  Basil

  (Calling) Oh, Manuel.

  Manuel

  Si, Mr. Fawlty?

  Basil

  I want you to eat that note, when you have finished with it.

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  I want you to eat the note, (He motions the action putting his fingers in his mouth) when you are finished

  Manuel

  You want me eat note!

  Basil

  Yes. (Raising his voice) Eat it, when you have put the money in the safe.

  Manuel

  (Confused) But, I not hungry.

  Basil

  It’s not supposed to be a meal, (Spelling it out) Just… eat… the… note… when… you… are… finished.

  Manuel

  (Shrugging shoulders) Si, you boss.

  Manuel disappears behind the stage.

  Basil

  My God, anyone here looking for a waiter?

  All is quiet for a few moments. Manuel returns with a knife, fork and a plate. On the plate is a slice of bread, with the note on top. He walks over to a table and sits down with some guests. Basil glares at Manuel.

  Basil

  What are you doing?

  Manuel holds up a bit of bread on his fork with a piece of the note.

  Manuel

  I eat, like you say.

  Basil slams down his pen, walks over to Manuel, takes the note, screws it up, then swallows it.

  Basil

  Now get out the back and help Sybil.

  Manuel picks up his plate and starts to walk backstage. He looks upset, like he has been cheated.

  Manuel

  You say note was for me!

  As Manuel leaves, Basil calls him again.

  Basil

  Manuel, Come back. I want you to count how many people are in the room.

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  You count how many people in this room… comprehende?

  Manuel

  Si, Si, I count peoples.

  Manual drops off his plate, and then moves around the dining room counting guests. Along the way he asks people what number comes after another (Example, 'Excuse, what come next, after twenty seven?') When he is finished, he walks up to Basil.

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, I count fifty six.

  Basil

  (Surprised) Fifty six? Are you sure?

  Manuel

  I
sure. I count good.

  Basil glares at the audience

  Basil

  OK, what's going on here, eh?

  Manuel

  What wrong, Mr. Fawlty

  Basil

  It looks like some people have not paid.

  Manuel

  Not pay?

  Basil

  You heard!

  Basil again glares at the audience

  Basil

  Come-on, own up, who’s decided to have a little freebie at our expense!

  Basil points at a person who looks guilty. Basil continues to walk around the room, accusingly looking at guests. At this moment, Sybil walks on stage.

  Basil

  (Pointing at a guest) You!

  Sybil

  (Annoyed) Basil, what are you doing?

  Basil

  Sybil, my dear, I am afraid we have fifty six people, and only fifty four have paid. There are two people in here who I will take great pleasure in throwing out!

  Sybil

  Two have not paid?

  Basil

  That's right, I told you this would happen if we invited the likes of this lot.

  Sybil

  (Annoyed) Basil!

  Manuel is also disgusted, making ‘Tsk, Tsk’ sounds to the guests and waving his index finger at them.

  Basil

  I told you we should stop dealing with this riff raff. We could have opened a place somewhere with class!

  Sybil

  (More annoyed) Basil!

  Basil

  Look at them, some look like they are well versed in the use of a knife, but not for eating!

  Sybil

  (Patiently) Basil, there are fifty four guests in this room, fifty six counting you and Manual, but I did not think we were charging you.

  Basil

  (Shocked) Fifty four?

  Manuel

  Si, Mr. Fawlty, fifty four. Mr. Fawlty and Manuel make fifty six.

  Basil appears dumbfounded

  Sybil

  (Sharply) Basil!

  Basil

  Yes dear.

  Sybil

  Have you handed out the menu’s yet?

  Basil

  Not yet my dear, I haven’t forgotten.

  Sybil

  So you do remember some things…

  Basil

  I’ve been busy, doing the books!

  Sybil

  Couldn’t you do that later?

  Basil

  I’ve nearly finished.

  Sybil

  We have a room full of guests, Basil. It’s not nice to keep them waiting while you’re doing the books now, is it?

  Basil

  Just another…

  Sybil

  (Angrily) Basil!

  Basil

  Oh all right… (Angrily) Manuel!

  Manuel comes running to Basil as Sybil returns back stage.

  Basil

  Manuel, where are the menus?

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  The menus, where did you put the menus?

  Manuel starts feeling his pockets.

  Basil

  The menus… (Impatiently) The list you fool, to tell our guests what they’ll be eating!

  Manuel

  Ah, Si, the list, you tell me get list printed.

  Basil

  That’s right. You told me it was all taken care of.

  Manuel

  Si, Mr. Fawlty, look here.

  Manuel pulls a note out of his jacket pocket and carefully unfolds it.

  Manuel

  I get one hundred lists printed, with cost twenty dollars.

  Basil

  One hundred menus for twenty dollars, that’s marvellous, well done man.

  Basil rubs his hands together

  Manuel

  I have cousin, he do work cheap for me.

  Basil

  A cousin eh… I thought all your relatives were in Barcelona.

  Manuel

  Si, he live near my Mudder, in Barcelona.

  Basil

  (Surprised) In Barcelona... where are my menus then?

  Manuel

  (Thinking) In Barcelona.

  Basil

  (Starting to panic) But, I need them now!

  Manuel

  He do quick job.

  Basil

  Quick job eh… So, when can I expect my menus?

  Manuel

  Hmm… him say ready, three weeks.

  Basil

  So let me see if I got this right… You expect all these people to wait around for three weeks, until your cousin can send us the menus.

  Manuel looks around the room deep in thought

  Manuel

  Si.

  Basil

  I can’t keep all these people waiting here for three weeks, you cloth eared bint!

  Manuel

  Perhaps they come back in three weeks.

  Manuel walks over to guests.

  Manuel

  Laddies and gentlemans you must go home now… come back in three weeks pleese… much thank you.

  Basil

  (Angry) Manual!

  Manuel

  Si, Mr. Fawlty

  Basil

  Listen, my wife is going to kill me when I tell her we haven’t got any menus

  Manuel

  You want me tell her?

  Basil

  No you idiot, just let me think.

  At that moment, Sybil arrives back on stage.

  Sybil

  Basil!

  Basil is startled and jumps.

  Sybil

  Basil, have you handed out the menus?

  Basil

  Er... not quite yet my dear, I am just dealing with it.

  Sybil

  Well, where are they?

  Basil

  Errr…

  Basil looks around the room, as if looking for an answer.

  Sybil

  Basil, I want the menus!

  Basil

  They’re… err... not here.

  Sybil

  (Angrily) Not here?

  Basil

  No, my sweet, there... Err… was a mistake.

  Sybil

  What?

  Basil

  (Making it up) There... was... a... mistake... on the menu… so I sent them back.

  Sybil

  A mistake! Why didn't you tell me earlier?

  Basil

  I... didn't want to bother you with little details.

  Sybil

  I would say not having menus is a big detail, wouldn't you Basil… hmmm?

  Basil

  I suppose so.

  Sybil

  So, what are you going to do now?

  Basil

  Err... Manuel and I were just discussing it.

  Sybil

  Well, bring out the white board, and write the menu up on that.

  Basil

  Brilliant, brilliant… Okay dear.

  Sybil

  You know, you are a real numskull, Basil.

  Sybil leaves to go backstage.

  Manual

  What is nump skull, Mr. Fawlty?

  Basil

  You’re a numskull, now shut up and get the white board!

  Manuel goes backstage.

  Basil

  I am sorry about the delay. I am afraid there has been a slight cock-up, on my wife's part, but things should soon be back to normal.

  Manuel wheels out a white board

  Basil

  Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid that I have …emm… to tell you ... that… my wife ordered the menus on Monday, for delivery on Thursday. But due to an unfortunate mix up, they were delivered to the wrong address, and… well… to cut a long story short, we have no menus. So, tonight, I will be writing our bill of fare on the board here.

  He points at the white board, then looks at Manuel.

  Thank you Manual, now hand me the marker.

  Manuel

/>   Que?

  Basil

  The pen! The pen!

  He points to the marker in Manuel’s hand. Manuel hands Basil the marker.

  Basil

  Right. Manuel, can you remember, what was the entree?

  Manuel looks back at the desk Basil was working on

  Manuel

  Water.

  Basil

  What, water?

  Manuel

  (Pointing at tray on Basils desk) Si, water on tray.

  Basil

  Manual, have you been drinking the chef's cooking sherry?

  Manuel

  It true… look!

  Manuel again points to the bottle of water on Basil's desk. Basil rolls his eyes.

  Basil

  Listen you fool. You’ve worked in this restaurant for two years… I thought by now you should know what an entree is.

  Manuel

  Si, Si, now I know... Entree is like… how you say, small dinner

  Basil

  Yes, can you remember what our small dinner is for tonight?

  Manuel

  I make paella?

  Basil

  We are not having your stinking paella!