Faulty Tales Read online

Manuel

  It my mudder's recipe, very popular in Barcelona

  Basil

  I said we are not having paella!

  Manuel

  What about ice-cream?

  Basil takes a deep breath as Sybil returns to stage, carrying some menus.

  Sybil

  I found some old menus out the back. We can use these for tonight. Can you manage handing these out to the guests, Basil?

  Basil

  Yes dear, I’ll do it immediately.

  Sybil leaves the stage.

  Basil

  Manuel!

  Manuel

  Si, Mr. Fawlty

  Basil

  Please, hand these menus to our guests.

  Basil leaves the stage as Manuel hands out the menus. When this is done, Manuel also exits backstage. There is a half hour intermission while waiters take food and drink orders from the guests. Act 2 commences when orders are taken.

  Act 2 A Whole Lot of Thieves

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen. We have taken all your orders and it will not be too long before your entrée is served. Thank you for your patience.

  Sybil walks on stage and goes over to Basil

  Sybil

  Basil, why has chef not yet arrived?

  Basil

  Probably caught in traffic my love… its gridlock out there.

  Sybil

  (Sternly) I asked Pierre to get here early. We have to prepare the meals.

  Basil

  Oh yes… Err... It seems Pierre is not well… Err… said he has a terrible upset stomach… Food poisoning I think (Ha, ha) … Anyway he won’t be coming tonight, but fortunately Giuseppe has agreed to step in at the last moment.

  Sybil

  (Annoyed) Giuseppe? Who the hell is Giuseppe?

  Basil

  Well dear, he err… comes very highly recommended.

  Sybil

  Recommended… by whom?

  Basil

  He owns an establishment in town. Manuel regularly dines there and said he is very good.

  Sybil

  Are you talking about a short order cook in a snack bar, or someone who actually has some culinary experience?

  Basil

  Well, he's experienced. Of course, he's experienced!

  Sybil

  Have you tasted his cuisine?

  Basil

  Naturally dear, do you think I would hire someone if I did not first sample his wares?

  Sybil

  And what, pray tell, did he prepare for you?

  Basil

  Ah let me think… Yes…it was… lightly seasoned fish fillets, coated in his own special gourmet batter, together with delicious hand cut salted potato fingers lightly fried in...

  Sybil

  Fish and chips!

  Basil

  Well, if you want to be common about it…

  Sybil

  I don't think our guests paid $50 each to have fish and chips, perhaps we should also throw in a cheeseburger?

  Basil

  If you think it's a good idea.

  Sybil

  No, I don't think that's a good idea. Tell me, Basil, is this Giuseppe cheaper than Pierre?

  Basil

  As it happens, considerably.

  Sybil

  This is on your shoulders, Basil!

  Sybil walks off stage fuming and shaking her head.

  Basil

  (Calling out) You simple do not understand economics, my dear!

  Basil looks warily at the audience.

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for that. Things will soon be returning to normal. Now, I know some of you were expecting to have food prepared by Pierre tonight, but I have a special surprise. I have searched high and low in the finest restaurants and found someone far superior. (Pause) To be perfectly honest, that Pierre was a bit of a toffee nosed git. I believe… you should judge a meal by the manners of the Chef who prepares it!

  Manuel comes running on stage.

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil

  Oh, what is it now, can’t you just leave me alone

  Manuel

  It gone!

  Basil

  Not your hamster again?

  Manual

  Oh no, Mr. Fawlty, its da money!

  Basil looks pale

  Basil

  The money, what money?

  Manuel

  Dis money, money from, what you say, here… (Manuel points at audience) From them

  Basil

  What!

  Manuel

  (Shrugging shoulders and looking innocent) It gone…

  Basil

  It can’t be gone, you put it in the safe.

  Manuel

  (Manuel indicates with his hands apart) Safe open!

  Basil marches calmly and quickly backstage. The audience hears a scream and a thud. Manuel runs back stage and then drags Basil’s lifeless body by the feet in front of the audience. Basil is lying on his back on the floor. Manuel is upset

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty… Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil opens one eye and looks around.

  Basil

  Why did you bring me here? Can’t a man faint in privacy?

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, I worry you dead!

  Basil

  So… are you considering burying me in front of our guests?

  Basil gets up

  Manuel

  No, no. I want ask peoples, if have doctor in room.

  Basil

  If I’m dead, I hardly need a doctor… try a mortician!

  Manuel

  What is mortishan?

  Basil

  I expect you will be finding out, by the time this night is over!

  Manuel

  You see money gone!

  Basil

  Oh… the money… Yes, all the money is gone!

  Manuel

  Like I say.

  Very concerned Basil looks at the audience.

  Basil

  Where’s Sybil?

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  (Raising his voice) Where is Sybil?

  Manuel looks confused

  Manuel

  No bill.

  Basil

  (Confused) What?

  Manuel

  (Manuel points at audience) They already pay!

  Basil

  (Angry) Sybil! My wife, Sybil!

  Manuel

  Ah, Si, Si.

  Manuel looks around at the guests.

  Manuel

  She gone.

  Basil

  I know she's gone! I can see she's gone! Where did she go!

  Manuel

  Perhaps she go shopping?

  Basil

  (Outraged) Shopping… Why would she go shopping now!

  Manuel

  Maybe buy shoos?

  Basil

  I really don't know why I am having this conversation.

  Manuel

  What is con–a-sation

  Basil

  Never mind, just lock all the doors.

  Manuel

  Lock doors… but people still here.

  Basil

  I know people still here. I can see people still here… Just lock the doors!

  Manuel goes off and locks the doors.

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen (silently)... If I could call you that… I'm afraid one of you has stolen my takings for tonight and I have no option but to call the police… Hopefully they will find the culprit… But if not, I'll see to it they lock the lot of you up.

  Manuel

  Doors closed, Mr. Fawlty

  Basil

  Thank-you Manuel… Now, I want you to know that you are not going to get away with this. By the looks of it, for some of you this is your first time in a real restaurant… so let me tell you how it works. Manual is going to carry out a full body search
on every one of you, until we find the culprit. You made a big mistake if you though you could do battle with an Englishman… Manuel!

  Manuel

  Si?

  Basil

  I want you to commence the body search.

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  We must find who has taken the money.

  Manuel

  Que?

  Basil

  Oh for goodness sake……We do this.

  Basil performs a mock body search on Manuel to show him how it works.

  Manuel

  Ah, Si, Si, I understand.

  Basil

  Now go fetch the first person, and let’s get this over and done with.

  Manuel walks among the audience and finds a pretty girl. He takes her by the hand and brings her to the front.

  Basil

  What’s this?

  Manuel

  I do bob search, like you say.

  Basil

  Manuel, this gentleman over here is the closest, why did you pick this lady?

  Manuel

  You do boo search on man, I take this one.

  Basil

  This is an investigation man, not a knocking shop!

  At this moment Sybil walks on stage and sees Basil next to the pretty lady.

  Sybil

  Basil what are you doing? I leave the place for two minutes and you’ve already started.

  Basil

  No, no, you don’t understand.

  Sybil

  I still have eyes, Basil.

  Basil

  Manuel….please tell Sybil what is going on!

  Manuel

  Mrs. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty, he want to … err… boob search... You know like this.

  Manuel starts caressing Basil’s body Basil jumps back in disgust.

  Basil

  Manuel, stop that right now… Sybil we trying to do a body search… not this…. thing… this deranged person is doing to me!

  Sybil

  Body search, is that what they call it now?

  Basil

  Listen you contemptuous old crow, the money from our safe has been stolen and we are looking for the culprit.

  Sybil

  And this lady is your prime suspect?

  Basil

  Well, I haven't had a chance to find out, have I!

  Sybil

  And you won’t. The money is here.

  Sybil holds up the money bag.

  Basil

  What… you took it without telling me!

  Sybil

  That so called chef of yours, insisted I pay him before he would work, so I have just done so.

  Basil

  He wanted payment in advance… the scoundrel!

  Sybil

  Well personally I don’t blame him, he probably knows you better that you let on. Please ask the lady to return to her seat. The Entrees are ready.

  Basil takes the lady by the arm.

  Sybil

  Manuel! Please escort the lady to her seat.

  Manuel takes the lady from Basil’s hand and escorts her to the seat. Basil gives Sybil and angry look when she is not looking.

  Sybil

  Oh Basil, by the way, do you know what day this is?

  Basil

  Friday?

  Sybil

  Thank you… I shouldn’t expect more should I.

  Basil

  (To himself) What’s she blabbering about?

  Once the lady is back in her seat Basil and Manuel return back stage. There is a one hour intermission while waiters serve Entrees then dinner to guests. Act 3 commences when plates have been cleared.

  Act 3 The Anniversary Part 1

  Basil and Sybil appear on stage.

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your dinner tonight. As your hosts, we would like to thank you once again for your kind attendance.

  Sybil

  We will be serving desert shortly, so please be patient. (quietly) God knows, I have to be!

  Basil turns to Sybil with a big grin on his face

  Basil

  Well?

  Sybil

  Well what, Basil?

  Basil

  It all went well tonight, my little doubting Thomas… Everyone enjoyed their meal, and I think my decision to use Giuseppe was a wise one.

  Sybil

  The meals were quite good, I agree.

  Basil

  Do you have anything to say to me, my dear?

  Sybil

  Yes, but not in public…

  Basil is expectantly looking at the audience

  Sybil

  I would not look so proud of yourself, Basil. You never know when things might blow up in your face.

  Basil

  I think not my dear, as far as I can see, everything is fine.

  Sybil

  If that is what you think, then so be it.

  Sybil appears annoyed and leaves the stage.

  Basil

  That’s the thing about wives, they are the very first to point out the slightest error a man makes, but a little hesitant when the shoe is on the other foot.

  Basil is smiling and looks at a woman in the audience.

  Basil

  But I am sure that does not apply to you madam.

  Manuel comes running on stage, with a diary in his hand.

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty, Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil

  Must you always do that? Now what?

  Manuel holds the diary in front of Basil’s face and points.

  Manuel

  Look!

  Basil

  Oh no… no… it can’t be… Not today.

  Manuel

  Anni burst barry

  Basil

  Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I will have to attend to a slightly delicate matter… You see… it seems I have forgotten it is our wedding anniversary today.

  As Basil looks at the audience, he points to a guest sitting down

  Basil

  You know exactly what I mean, don’t you!

  Basil turns to Manuel

  Basil

  Quick! I need a present.

  Manuel

  My hamster?

  Basil

  I can’t give Sybil that moth eaten, smelly rodent! I need something nice… Maybe flowers.

  Manuel

  Flower, you think she like flower?

  Basil

  Yes, of course she will like flower, all girls like flowers.

  Manuel

  If you say so.

  Basil

  Okay, it might not be too late. Here’s twenty dollars. Sneak out and get flowers. I want them in a nice box, wrapped and with a ribbon.

  Manuel

  Si, Si, ribbon, like on umbrella you give me for birthday. Such a bootiful present.

  Basil

  Yes… that’s right, a ribbon like on your bootiful present, and in a nice box.

  Manuel

  I go now?

  Basil

  Yes, go now, and make it quick man, and please… Don’t muck this up!

  Manuel

  No, no, you help find good job, now I help you.

  Manuel takes the cash and runs out a side door.

  Basil

  I hope you ladies realize the things us men have to go though.

  Half hour intermission while waiters serve dessert and coffee to all guests. Act 4 commences when all entree plates have been cleared.

  Act 4 The Anniversary Part 2

  Manuel arrives on stage with a beautifully wrapped box. It has a long red ribbon tied to a bow. In a whispered voice Manual calls …

  Manuel

  Mr. Fawlty!

  Basil

  (Arriving on stage) Shhhh… You’re back… Excellent. Let me have a look.

  Manuel shows Basil the box.

  Basil

  Oh Manuel, that is good. That is very good indeed. You have saved my bacon, my good man. Qu
ick, hide in under my table.

  Manuel places the present under the table where Basil has been working. Just at that moment Sybil arrives on stage.

  Basil

  Well dear, what do you think, a successful night, everyone happy and nothing forgotten.

  Sybil

  Nothing forgotten… are you sure?

  Basil puts his hand to his chin, as if in deep thought.

  Basil

  I think not dear… I put the cat out before we left tonight.

  Sybil

  You know, Basil, you have three distinct character traits.

  Basil

  Do I my love?

  Sybil

  Yes… Annoying!

  Basil says nothing, but tilts his head.

  Sybil

  More Annoying!

  Basil still says nothing, but tilts his head the other side.

  Sybil

  (Sternly) And bloody Annoying!

  Basil says nothing but nods his head.

  Basil

  Your trouble, my dear, is you are too quick to judge.

  Sybil

  Too quick to judge… I’ve been waiting all day for…